How do we refer to younger parts in IFS with trans and nonbinary clients?

four children standing in a row, just showing their legs in boots in mud/rainy weather

In IFS it’s not uncommon for clients to get in touch with younger parts of themselves. While not all parts have a gender (or even a human form), they often do. Our clients see younger versions of themselves, but how they view or experience these parts varies widely. We wanted to share our experience of this aspect of IFS as it pertains to working with trans and nonbinary clients.

First off, when clients encounter younger versions of themselves through doing parts work, these younger images may or may not be in line with how that person expressed their gender at that time in their lived experience. These parts may vary in their expression and vary from client to client. 

To illustrate, let’s use a fictional client named Shale. Shale is an adult trans man who goes by “he” and “him” pronouns. Shale was assumed to be female at birth, and therefore his parents raised him as a girl. At a young age, he started to vocalize that he was a boy. This was an authentic expression that was rooted in Self-leadership and wisdom. Because this truth was not tolerated in his family, Shale developed protectors that helped him to assimilate, stay safe, and maintain a sense of belonging and connection in the external world. When he was in his early 20’s, Shale was fortunate enough to have the freedom to explore his gender and seek gender-affirming medical care to transition. This allowed him to access immense relief and joy in his body and his life. Despite having much less gender dysphoria as a result of transition, Shale still felt deep sadness and grief at times for not being believed and accepted for who he was early in his life. This is when he decides to seek therapy with an IFS therapist. 

Key takeaways:

1. Follow the client’s lead. Slowing down and listening can prevent us, as clinicians, from making assumptions that may interfere with the process.

2. Never assume the gender of a young part. Refrain from referring to clients’ parts as “the little boy” or “the little girl” - these terms should only be used if the client uses them to refer to their parts.

3. As is typical in IFS, it is important to avoid using gendered pronouns for a part until/unless the client indicates a particular pronoun. For example, because we are referring to a “part” when can use the pronoun “it” (e.g., “Let the part know that you are interested in getting to know it better.”).

4. If the client does use a gendered pronoun (e.g., she, they, he, zie) to refer to a younger part, follow the client’s lead. Mirror back the client’s language for the part. This is no different from the gender-affirming practice of respecting and using a person’s designated or correct pronouns. When someone lets you know what pronouns to use to refer to them, align your behavior and language accordingly with that. We do the same with parts and pronouns!
   

If you have a part that is anxious about getting it “right”, this could easily get in the way of the presence that is needed to hear trans and nonbinary people (or actually people of all genders!) when they share their truths (or the truths of their parts). Doing a U-turn to support unblending and Self-leadership will be far more helpful than any memorization of rules. You don’t have to be an expert! Deep listening and respect will go a long way in supporting clients of all genders in connecting with younger parts.